Savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned..

Sunday, July 18th, 2010

01:15pm

Wednesday, April 7th, 2010

09:43pm

I have a dentist appointment super early tomorrow. I am finally getting a tooth fixed that's been driving me crazy for years. Its not that I am in pain or anything, but its a front tooth that had the wrong shade of ceramic filling put on it years ago and it always looks yellow in pictures. It makes me never want to smile, or to photoshop pics where I AM smiling. Hopefully it will be all pretty after tomorrow. The reason I have put up with it so long is because I have other teeth that actually DO need crowns and stuff. I have the weakest teeth of anyone I know. They're horrible.

06:04pm

Oh boy. I heard from my tribe today. I could pretty much have a job with them.. if I could move up there by April 26. That means getting my thesis done by then.. and getting my advisors permission to leave and still file my thesis. Hmmmm...

I don't know how I could possibly move to another city with only whatever fits in a couple suit cases. What would I pack besides clothes and laptop?

Monday, March 29th, 2010

10:22pm

I have felt so lost for the past year. I haven't been able to see a future for myself. I had no drive or goals beyond forcing myself to complete this degree. I have no idea who I am, or who I should be, or where I should be going.

So I need to reinvent myself. I need to set goals and make plans. So I have been trying to set goals today. Some are large and some are small.

1 - I want to be a known American Indian / Tlingit activist, with a role in my tribe's future.

2 - I am thinking I could be a docent at the Museum of Man in Balboa park.

3 - I want to make sure to participate at every Goth Volunteer Alliance event.

4 - I'd like to start going to Goffee or find some folks who'd wanna hang out and have coffee once or twice a week.

5 - I need to keep doing the elliptical machine at the gym, 45 minutes each day, 6 days a week.

6 - On the 7th day I want to go for a long bike ride, preferably with a bike riding club. But if not, I can settle for running my dog around Catalina while I bike.

7 - Monday, Wednesday and Friday I will swim 40 minutes in the pool. Serious laps, no floating about all lazy like.

8 - I need to get working on my regalia.

9 - Have to get my thesis done. I should probably plan to work on it every day from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m.

10 - Get some kind of online business degree to supplement my Master's in American Indian studies so that I can work for Sealaska Corporation. Financing it is going to be tricky. I may have used up all my college funds. And I'd have to be paying back my loans if I am only taking online classes.

11 - Give up all foods high in sugar, with a treat no more than once/month.

12 - Way further down the road, after I get a good job and my own place, I am going to see about fostering a native child with the eventual intent to adopt. I'd kinda like another dog too, but that might be too much.

So... that's me I guess, for now. Mainly that just makes me an Indian college student that exercises a lot. I might want to go to Sabbat (goth nightclub) twice a month for some balance. If that doesn't feel like enough, I can buy another camera and take pictures. Now I need to go buy a bike.

Holy crap. I might become a real person again!

Sunday, March 28th, 2010

11:08pm

Woke up early this morning because I have been having such bad anxiety and nightmares. My mom said I was talking or yelling in my sleep all night. She was awake because a big coyote came to her sliding glass bedroom door and her bitchy white cat was yowling it's bitchy little head off. Once I was up, my mom and I went to the swap meet. She goes every single Sunday morning. Whenever I go I end buying a bunch of dvd movies and jewelry I will never wear. Today was no exception. I also got a cute pair of brown leather sandals with a turquoise buckle (or something hard to describe) on them. Once we came home, my mom and dad and I all went down to the pool. My mom bought us matching kickboards at the swapmeet so we kicked away for 20 minutes or so. I still feel a little guilty for not going to the gym. Saturday, she and I had walked all over Belmont Park taking pictures for her art class assignment and then had a huge plate of nachos at the wave house restaurant. Nachos and margaritas were definitely not on the diet. Neither was the waffle cone Sundae i had this afternoon. After the pool, the whole family went down to ocean beach and got chocolate truffle waffle cones with whipped cream and hot fudge, etc. Then we took Grayson to the dog park. There was a gorgeous red husky named Malachi (but was female, go figure) who came up and loved on me and my mom a bunch and the owner was shocked. She says the dog usually stays away from people she doesn't know.

Of course I am lightly sunburned from today's activities but not too much.

After we got home I spent a couple hours designing a costume for one of my super heroes on Champions Online. I swear I spend more time fixing the costumes than playing.. its like virtual Barbies or something.

And now I am bored and tired and trying to fight off the blues that are always there, even when I have a good day. Going to read a chapter in one of my swapmeet purchases (which seemed to be a whole bunch of werewolf romance novels) and get to sleep. I have to go to the gym in the morning, and work on my thesis during the day. All 3 of my thesis committee members wants copies of it, and I have to work with them a lot now until its totally finished. If there's time, my mom and I are going to start sewing regalia for the Celebration event in June.

Hope you all had a lovely weekend.

Thursday, January 21st, 2010

11:00am

I think I have a cold. Sore throat and body, tired and sweating. I am not sure if I have a fever since I don't have a thermometer. Going to go back to bed now.

Monday, January 18th, 2010

01:47pm

This is a horrible advertisement for women in science. My first thought was that the gecko could poop while on her face.. and then realized it could also suggest something much worse. This is just REALLY bad marketing.

Sunday, January 10th, 2010

06:01pm

I went for a hike in Mission Gorge trails this afternoon and about 10 minutes I fell and sprained my ankle really bad. I probably would have a broken ankle except that I already broke that ankle a few years ago and have a metal rod there now. Damn it. So much for my plans to run the treadmill and hike every day. I don't know if I will even be able to walk for a couple days. Right now I am crawling and hopping when I have to move. This sucks.

Monday, January 4th, 2010

10:29pm

This song keeps running through my mind...

------
It doesn't hurt me
Do you want to feel how it feels
Do you want to know, know that it doesn't hurt me
Do you want to hear about the deal I'm making
You
It's you and me

And if I only could
I'd make a deal with God
And I'd get him to swap our places
Be running up that road
Be running up that hill
Be running up that building

Say if I only could oh...

You don't want to hurt me
But see how deep the bullet lies
Unaware I'm tearing you asunder
Oh there is thunder in our hearts
Is there so much hate for the ones we love

Tell me we both matter don't we
You
It's you and me
It's you and me, you won't be unhappy

And if I only could
I'd make a deal with god
And I'd get him to swap our places
Be running up that road
Be running up that hill
Be running up that building

If I only could...

You
It's you and me
It's you and me, you won't be unhappy

Come on baby, come on darling
Let me steal this moment from you now
Come on angel, come on, come on darling
Let's exchange the experience, oh...

And if I only could
I'd make a deal with God
And I'd get him to swap our places
Be running up that road
Be running up that hill
With no problems...

And if I only could
Be running up that hill
With no problems.

Thursday, December 31st, 2009

09:02am

Sooooo... whats everyone's plans for today?

Saturday, December 12th, 2009

04:20pm

I am sorting through all stuff in my house trying to determine what to keep, what to sell and what to just put out in the lobby for people to take and I decided to look up these speaker thingies hooked up to the 46" flat screen tv that Milus left behind. Guess it's a good thing I looked them up. I told my dad he could have them.

There's other stuff like this. Professional DJ equipment and speakers too, I think. Even the box of misc cables look expensive. A lot of stuff for me to pack now, since he left almost everything he owned here besides his clothes and desktop computer.

Wednesday, December 9th, 2009

07:18pm

I really dislike those terms. I see everything on a sliding scale of sacred/secular and not a black/white thing.

Sacred -
1. devoted or dedicated to a deity or to some religious purpose; consecrated (made holy)
2. entitled to veneration or religious respect by association with divinity or divine things; holy.
3. pertaining to or connected with religion
4. regarded with reverence

Uhm... ok... first off, shouldn't everything be regarded with reverance/respect? Isn't everything associated with the holy? We are all creatures of flesh and spirit, created by the same source. Spirit is in everything. (I don't think many of my friends would agree that sacred=connected with religion though, because they are capable of viewing things as sacred that are not directly tied to a religion.)

Secular - of or pertaining to worldly things or to things that are not regarded as religious, spiritual, or sacred.

If you get rid of the word "religious" (which I am opposed to on account of how vague it is)then... well... I don't see ANYTHING as purely secular.

The idea that anything is "inanimate" and without spirit is ridiculous.. get a better magnifying glass.

Don't misunderstand.. I don't think my coffee mug is Jesus. I don't see anything as high or as low as most western thinkers seem to, based on the biblical concept that God is this ultimate and untouchable being, people are unholy as humans then holy as angels, and everything else is beneath us. We are all made of the same stuff at the submolecular level.

That having been said.. I am having a really hard time preparing for a possible final exam question tomorrow that wants me to use ancient Indigenous art and architecture to support the argument that Indians don't see the difference between sacred and secular. I mean really, if i can't see it myself, how the hell am I supposed to point it out to YOU?

Current Mood: Emic

Monday, December 7th, 2009

01:41pm

Ok I need help with a final exam question. (Not the answer, the question, sheesh.)

The question wants us to debate whether or not contemporary Native art is usually created for political or economic reasons. In my research I have found a lot of work that was "social commentary" aimed at waking people up and breaking stereotypes.

Does that fall into the category of "political"? Or is it purely social and NOT political? The line there seems hazy to me.

10:47am

"Friday, the U.S. Appeals Court in New Orleans will hear a case about a Texas kindergartner who was punished for following his Native American tradition and wearing long braids."

But, wha..*choke* huh?! Are you fucking SERIOUS?

Who CARES if you're Indian or not when it comes to how you wear your hair?? That's the most ridiculous thing I have heard of as a reason to suspend kids from school.

God, it's sad how little the school rules have changed for Indian kids since boarding school times. They're still told to salute the flag, cut off their hair and celebrate Christian holidays. And that's in PUBLIC schools!

10:36am

This was in my email box this morning:

Office of the Associate Vice Chancellor and Dean of Students
UCLA Police Department

Dear Students:

This is a reminder that the unofficial tradition of Undie Run at UCLA ended last year in response to health and safety concerns, damage to property, an increase in violent incidents involving non-UCLA participants and complaints from neighbors. However, rumors have been circulating that some students are planning to conduct the run this week.

Please be advised that UCPD officers will be out in force, together with Student Affairs officers. We are taking this issue very seriously and will be closely monitoring the campus and the surrounding neighborhood for violations of law or the UCLA Student Conduct Code.

The safety of our campus and our students is top priority here. Please do your part to keep UCLA safe for all of us.

Sincerely,
Robert J. Naples

Thursday, December 3rd, 2009

08:41am

Practically every night since the breakup I have had dreams where I am with my boyfriend.. except it's a made up boyfriend, not Milus. A couple times it has been some kind of conglomerate boyfriend and once it was Judas/Wayne. A lot of the dreams have sexual themes, which is usually my body's way of telling me to "go get some". LoL. Last night I was in a threesome with three skinny, white blondes. It was a girl and her twin brothers. One of the brothers was all into S&M and the other one was very emotionally serious.. and HE was the one I was most scared of. Because he had a lot more power to actually hurt me than the sexual sadist.

In that dream I found out I was also Gitxsan Indian, and I wad running around the reserve trying to find my family. There was a black horse that someone had painted orange galloping across the field. My dog was there too, and he was sick or something (which isn't surprising because I've worried about his health a lot lately).

Ok I have to book out the door to school to turn in my final paper, which is about Robert Davidson the Haida artist. I don't really like the paper, the way it was written, but hopefully the teacher will.

Thursday, November 26th, 2009

09:51pm

I know how old I am, but I just can't accept it. I don't LOOK that old, I don't FEEL that old.. and I certainly don't want to date the men who think we should be dating based on our age brackets. I'd feel more comfortable dating someone under 28 than over 40. I mean, 40? Really? How the hell did THAT happen? I will either be single forever, or a cougar, apparently.

Besides.. it's not polite to ask a woman her age.

Tuesday, November 17th, 2009

06:01pm

Author Marianne Williamson, in one of her books, included the following essay. It is often credited to Nelson Mandela, and I thought he said it too, but he didn't. Just some kind of urban myth. Nonetheless I found it incredibly inspirational when I first read it, even though I generally frown on anything referencing "God".


"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Thursday, November 12th, 2009

08:45pm

"Combat Baby"

We used to leave the blue lights on and there was a beat
Ever since you have been gone it's all caffeine-free
Faux punk fatigues
Said it all before
They try to kick it, their feet fall asleep
Get no harm done no
None of them want to fight me

Combat baby come back baby
Fight off the lethargy
Don't go quietly
Combat baby
Said you would never give up easy
Combat baby come back

Get back in town I wanna paint it black
Wanna get around
Easy living crowd so flat
Said it all before
They try to kick it, their feet fall asleep
I want to be wrong but
No one here wants to fight me like you do

Combat baby come back baby
Fight off the lethargy
Don't go quietly
Combat baby
Said you would never give up easy
Combat baby come back

I try to be so nice
Compromise
Who gets it good?
Every mighty mild seventies child
Every mighty mild seventies child
Beats me

Combat baby come back baby
Combat baby come back
Bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye baby
Combat baby come back

How I miss your ranting,
Do you miss my all time lows?

( Read more... )

Current Mood: sad

Wednesday, November 11th, 2009

11:18am

Ax Aankáawoo, daa kayéil' ax jeet sa há.
Ch'a daa sá goot yéidei teeyí hél ax tukawuxeelík,
Latséen ku.aa ax jeet sa há ax jeegaa yateeyi át kidéin daankaneit,
ka atwuskú ax jee.


My mom says I've lost my backbone.

I say all the better to curl up in a ball and hide from harsh reality.

Monday, November 9th, 2009

08:21am

Every morning I wake up either stressed out or pissed off.. depends what I have to do that day. This morning I woke up pissed off.. because I was woken up too early by the dog barking in his sleep and Milus trying to be cuddly. Additionally he woke me up from a dream where there was too many people in the bed, including some woman I didn't know, and they were keeping me awake when I was tired. I was screaming and cussing and crying in the dream just because the bed was too crowded and they woke me up.

And here is a sad truth about me... you can't cuddle with me when I am sleeping or I will hurt you. When I go to sleep I can be all cuddly, but as soon as I fall asleep I become all about "don't touch me" - so much so that I can still remember Dru always mocking me by snapping "get on your own side" in a german soldier/dominatrix voice. Jeff used to say I was all Jeckyll and Hyde. Sweet until I was asleep and then vicious.

It comes down to two things, I think. One - I am a light sleeper who doesn't get a good night's rest very often (if ever) and anyone touching me wakes me up and pisses me off for waking me up. Two - I don't trust anyone. Anyone who touches me when I am asleep wakes me up because my subconscious is screaming "Oh my god! Who is touching me and why?? Are they bugging me for sex? Waking me up for school? Plotting my gruesome death? Aaaaaack!" So yeah... I long for the days when couples had separate beds. Or even separate rooms for that matter. I imagine I might actually get some sleep then.

Friday, November 6th, 2009

10:01am

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

I feel like I am lost in the forest. I don't see any clear paths, just a lot of possible paths.. and they all lead into the dark, unknown and scary. I'd rather curl up in a ball, hide under this bush and wait for the inevitable monsters to come eat me than walk forward.

I see rejection everywhere.

Right now I am wondering something I have wondered on and off for years.. how much Indian is enough? Would my Tlingit ancestors recognize me, would they accept me? Maybe I feel this way because I don't recognize, accept or love myself.. so why should anyone else?

Some of the Indian activists that I have seen make the biggest differences are those of questionable lineage. And what they seem to do is... stay the hell away from their own tribe. Be a part of the intertribal community. Maybe that's the only solution they came up with, too. Because something inside me won't let me be anything but an Indian.. even if the rest of the world sees me as white (although that's a bit of an exaggeration because I know plenty of people who see me as Tlingit.)

Davey Latseen in Klukwan was telling me to enroll with our home village, as long as I can prove my ancestry. And that's easy enough. But I bet they have a blood quantum cut off for applying for tribal housing. And really - do I want to live in low income housing in the freezing cold with a minimum wage job, just to be close to Tlingit relatives and culture who may not accept or like me? What would that future be like?

Do I want to essentially throw away all my college education just to find some generic job in San Diego so I can be close to my mom and dad and other close relatives?

Could I stand to live in Denver or D.C. if thats where the jobs are? Will I even be able to GET a job? Maybe I am not qualified enough and need more classes.. or worse, a Ph.D. If a Ph.D. is the best way to guarantee a good job (well maybe not guarantee- in this economy) then do I just suck up the building apathy I have to homework and let myself accrue a hundred thousand dollars in student loans? That choice sounds like trying to decide if I should starve on an island or swim through sharks to the mainland.

I am supposed to be working on my resume and applying to these D.C. jobs. Instead I am just staring into the dark and scary forest, paralyzed by fear.

Current Mood: scared

Thursday, November 5th, 2009

03:11pm

It boggles my mind that there are people out there that don't even WANT to be high class.. that they are trashy and proud of it, and call it their culture.

I mean its one thing to BE wild and vulgar (which I can be), but at least KNOW you're being wild and vulgar and that you shouldn't pass off your behavior as acceptable.

Flip-flops, baseball caps, talking with your mouth full, yelling at "the help" from across the room, being a complete slob, lighting up a cigarette in a fancy mall, thinking that reading magazines like Sports Illustrated is actually READING, saying Y'ALL all the time....

And thinking it's okay???

*sigh*

Some people. Really - is it any wonder I dislike so much of humanity?

Current Mood: cranky

09:30am

My friend Cheryl posted her pics on her facebook so I grabbed some. This one is my favorite.




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Sunday, November 1st, 2009

04:43pm

Actually left the house last night. Went and had drinks with Christie and the rest of the cohort. As I hadn't planned on going out I didn't really have a costume ready. So I decided to just be a Kushtaka.. a Tlingit shapeshifter that tries to drown people and turn them into Kushtakas. They're called "Otter men" because when they aren't disguised as humans they look like otters. When they ARE disguised as humans, you can tell they're kushtaka because, among other things, they still have otter eyes, teeth and claws.

So... me as a kushtaka. ( Read more... )

Tuesday, September 15th, 2009

10:18am

Updated: September 15, 2009, 9:19 AM ET
American Indians look to high court

Associated Press
WASHINGTON -- A group of American Indians who find the Washington Redskins name offensive wants the Supreme Court to take up the matter.

The group late Monday asked the justices to review a lower court decision that favored the NFL team on a legal technicality.

The seven Native Americans have been working through the court system since 1992 to have the Redskins trademarks declared invalid. A U.S. Patent and Trademark Office panel ruled in their favor in 1999, but they've since suffered a series of defeats from judges who ruled that the plaintiffs waited too long to bring their suit in the first place.

A lawyer for the group says he'd like to see the court decide once and for all whether the Redskins name defames Native Americans.

Thursday, September 10th, 2009

10:11am

Yeah, I totally suck. WoW ate my life.

I am trying to get my classes cut down to .. once a week or every other week of independent study. Then I can move to Oceanside and commute on the days I have to go to school. Sounds too good to be true so it probably is. No one at school is writing me back - teachers, counsellors, etc, so I don't even know what classes I can sign up for.. Argh.

Oh and I tried to fix my hair cut and they chopped it off. It looks so awful now I feel like wearing a hat or something. I hope it grows back fast. I don't understand why I tell the stylists one thing and they do something completely different? I even brought pictures!

Love yous!

Thursday, July 2nd, 2009

02:57pm

I am not playing as much as before but, all the same.. if you play on Shadow Council server, Alliance side, whats your toons name?

Thursday, June 25th, 2009

04:40pm

Holy crap! Michael Jackson just died!

Of course, this happened 4 hours ago so the whole world probably knows by now.

Current Mood: surprised

Monday, June 22nd, 2009

03:53pm

I am in San Diego right now, visiting my folks and trying to finish up one last term paper. Yesterday my mom and I went to the movies and saw "The Proposal", starring Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds (love him). When Ryan's character said "I am going home to visit my folks in Sitka," my mom and I were thrilled that a movie would be showing Alaska. But imagine our surprise when Ryan's grandmother is out in the woods dancing.... wearing a Tlingit button blanket and singing an actual Tlingit song. She yelled out "Gunalcheesh!" and our mouths dropped. No one knows who the Tlingit even ARE, and it was in this movie! But wait - it gets better. Turns out - Ryan's character's family is supposedly descended from a TLINGIT woman (tribe mentioned BY NAME) and a RUSSIAN man. Of course.. the entire family is blonde with pink skin and blue eyes, despite Betty White's character supposedly being 1/4 Tlingit, lol!! Still - how crazy is that?

Oh.. and the movie was filmed in Rockford, Massachusetts as Sitka was too isolated and there weren't enough 4 star hotels for them.

------
Oh yeah.. my shaggy hair was looking like total crap so I went back to the bob cut I used to have.
( Read more... )

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